My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
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google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…