Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
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“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
A choir of Spring onions
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you