I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
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Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.