Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
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I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Finally!
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC