A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough