Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
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I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”