Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
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*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
what’s the point then??
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”