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My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
waiting for halloween be like:
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it