[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
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I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I鈥檓 gonna have diarrhea all day.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Starting to think I鈥檓 single because of everyone else鈥檚 shortcomings.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
馃幎And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Maintaining the universe鈥檚 equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I would like to think money won鈥檛 change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you鈥檝e been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it鈥檚 because I haven鈥檛 been listening
Actually, it鈥檚 illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom鈥檚 gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.