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In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day