Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
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It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Ugh but profoundly
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.