I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
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{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits