Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
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My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.