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A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.