tis the season
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fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Finished stitching this today 😇
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?