Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
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I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
nice challenge
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Meat Cute
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
You deplete me