people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
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Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”