Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
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How to keep the seat next to you empty.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Holy moly
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*