Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
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I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.