Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
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If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle