When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
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I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”