criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
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Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.