Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
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Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.