I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
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ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.