I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
You Might Also Like
plums roundup
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.