SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
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I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?