Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
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ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
How it started How it’s going
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Gods work.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.