Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
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I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
wishing you and yours all the best
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.