A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
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Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs