Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game