Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
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coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
This makes total sense…
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.