*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
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I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.