Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
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Writing, She Murdered.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza