A dating app for angry people- Grumble
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20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
they finally got him. they got macavity
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Breaking news:
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.