I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
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We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
scared to check what name she chose
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.