me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
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I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.