R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
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it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
this chia pet tastes awful
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.