[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
You Might Also Like
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”