I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
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Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
starting a garage orchestra
Battery falling down a hole
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
you gotta be faster
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried