Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
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Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.