Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
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Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?