bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
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Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.