lost dog
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Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh