A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
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I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
How your email finds me
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face