Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
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So the ex texted me
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for