Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
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after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down