Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
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My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
and now we wait
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding