If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
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Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.