my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
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ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
i hate you platonically
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
good for her
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.