my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
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Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*